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TALE OF THE TAPE

More Likely To Send A Shiver Down Your Spine? Halloween Monsters Vs. Greg Schiano

Here at Tale of the Tape, we love Halloween. There’s plenty of free candy, there’s no obligation to visit your family, the temperature is still just right, the World Series is going on, football is in full swing, and chances you’ll be able to find at least one attractive person wearing a costume that makes you feel all funny inside. Such is this wonderful holiday.

But lest we forget, Halloween is also a time of spooooooky monsters. And so, this week, we’re reminded of the NFL’s current monster of the hour: Buccaneers head coach Greg Schiano. But who’s more likely to send a shiver down your spine: a cast of Halloween Monster All-Stars or Schiano? Let’s go to the tape.

Halloween Monsters
Greg Schiano
(Credit: Thomas Lohnes/Getty Images)
(credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)
(Credit: Thomas Lohnes/Getty Images)
(credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)
Charismatic?
Winner The classic version of Dracula (this is pre-Twilight) is a charming, seductive gentleman. He is fair skinned, mysterious, and - based on that big, dark mansion - probably rich. Very easy to fall for.
Angry and screaming all the time.
Temperamental?
For this, we look to the classic werewolf: a creature that’s almost human for most of the month, only to turn into a raging beast at the first sign of a full moon.
Winner Reports suggest that he’s a raging jerk 24/7.
Prone to Biological Outbreaks?
Winner Sure. Zombies are the ultimate biological weapon. With just a few zombies let loose, you could have a worldwide epidemic.
While we can’t prove Schiano caused the MRSA outbreak in the Bucs locker room, and although it’s not as fatal as a zombie outbreak, it’s still super icky.
Able to be Tamed?
Quite the contrary. Frankenstein’s monster ended up killing his master, his master’s wife, and a few others. Spoiler alert, I guess.
Winner Yep. Apparently, Schiano turns into an eager li’l puppy-dog around Bill Belichick
Able to defeat the mighty hero?
Not usually. There’s typically some attractive hero or heroine able to put these menaces back in their place.
Winner Sadly, yes. He tried having the Bucs' Super Bowl MVP Dexter Jackson kicked out of practice when he stopped by to watch. And though that didn’t work, he kicked out a bunch of young fans.
Awful?
I don't know. Jekyll and Hyde are pretty cool. And mummies are underrated.
Winner The actual worst.

The Winner Is

(credit: Winslow Townson/Getty Images)
Winner Greg Schiano
4 out of 6

So there you have it, folks. With a score of 4-2, Bucs coach Greg Schiano has wrested the title of “Halloween’s Greatest Monster” from a full team of monsters. So, uh...congratulations?
-Brian Cullen, CBS Local Sports contributor

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