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Tale of the tape

  1. JACKSONVILLE, FL - SEPTEMBER 29: Blaine Gabbert #11 hands off to Maurice Jones-Drew #32 of the Jacksonville Jaguars during a game against the Indianapolis Colts at EverBank Field on September 29, 2013 in Jacksonville, Florida. A nurse puts 3D glasses on the face of a surgeon before an operation at the Argenteuil hospital, in a Paris suburb, on July 25, 2013. AFP PHOTO / FRED DUFOUR
    Less Painful: Watching Jacksonville Or Undergoing Invasive, Unnecessary Surgery?

    With the Jacksonville Jaguars unable to do anything right, and turning in performances reminiscent of the ’62 Mets absent any of the charm, watching their games is beyond brutal.

  2. GREEN BAY, WI - AUGUST 09: Aaron Rodgers #12 of the Green Bay Packers truns to hand-off against the Arizona Cardinals at Lambeau Field on August 9, 2013 in Green Bay, Wisconsin. The Cardinals defeated the Packers 17-0. BALTIMORE, MD - AUGUST 22: Quarterback Joe Flacco #5 of the Baltimore Ravens throws a pass during warmups prior to the start of a preseason game against the Carolina Panthers at M&T Bank Stadium on August 22, 2013 in Baltimore, Maryland.
    Tale Of The Tape: Green Bay Packers At Baltimore Ravens

    Aaron Rodgers should be turned on to face last year’s Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco in what could turn into a great shootout before the game is over.

  3. Philadelphia Eagles v Denver Broncos Gaming fans sample EA Sports Madden NFL
    More Impressive Stats? Denver Broncos Offense Vs. Playing Madden On “Easy”

    The Broncos are on pace to break some crazy impressive records. But how do the 2013 Broncos measure up against when I play Madden on easy?

  4. Carolina Panthers v Baltimore Ravens Miami Dolphins v Houston Texans
    Tale Of The Tape: Baltimore Ravens At Miami Dolphins

    Joe Flacco has the arm strength and skills to dominate any game, but he is not infallible. He has the tendency to force the ball into tight windows because he believes in his arm strength and that can lead to problems.

  5. elicredit2.jpg boxingcredit2.jpg
    The Giants Losing To Carolina Vs. Little Mac Losing To Glass Joe In “Punch-Out”

    Perhaps the most lopsided battle in video game sports is that of Little Mac vs. Glass Joe – the first fight in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out! If done correctly, skilled players can knock the beans out of Joe in 42 seconds, flat. Unskilled players can still take him out before three rounds are up. And unskilled players who think too much would wonder – why is a French guy named “Joe”?

    In any case, we here at CBS wondered, what was a more lopsided matchup (and subsequent surprising defeat): Mac vs. Joe? Or the recent Super Bowl champion New York Giants vs. the mostly hapless Carolina Panthers? Let’s go to the tape. Please note that the “winner” of each category is the more humiliating option:

  6. natecredit1.jpg digiornocredit1.jpg
    One Broken Arm Later: Nate Burleson’s Pizza Vs. DiGiorno (It’s Not Delivery)

    Detroit Lions’ wide receiver Nate Burleson is great at receiving both deftly thrown footballs and emergency roadside medical treatment. Recently, he crashed his car into a Jersey barrier after dropping a slice of pizza around 2:30 in the morning. Apparently there was no hooch in his system, it’s just that he was being a big ol’ bag of dum-dum lollipops. The question that we at CBS can’t help but ask: would he have been better off cooking himself a DiGiorno frozen pizza? Let’s go to the tape.